Starting Anew

I guess I should start out by mentioning that, if you have not read the title of this blog, you are already at a disadvantage. I will reiterate that I am a completely uninspiring human being. Not to be confused with not being inspired. On the contrary, I am a completely inspired guy. Hence, the writing. And the constant sulking, which I've somehow turned into an art form. Even Angel from Season 1 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer can't out-sulk me. If a university gave out degrees for sulking, I'd graduate with honors. I tend to stay indoors now, watching sappy gay-themed movies on Netflix and Hulu Plus. Yeah, that's how sad my life is - I subscribe to both streaming video services. I spend my week watching mostly sad, sometimes cheerful, gay movies, and end up crying during every one of them because I'm jealous of the love that characters share in these films.

My weekends are even sadder. I go to one of the three bars in town that I actually like: The Vid (a townie-central pub), The Atlas Bar (the "alternative" bar in town), or The Back Door (new gay bar, 1 of the 2 total gay bars). Oh, I should also mention that I live in Bloomington, IN. Yes, the home of Indiana University basketball. Many magazines and websites call Bloomington the "Gay Mecca" of Middle America. It's touted as being the 4th gayest city in America. So why the hell are there only two gay bars in such a "gay" city? And why is only one of them decent enough for me to frequent? The other one is filled with old trolls and drag queens who go there with their only hope of finding younger, dumber gay guys to hook up with. And I'm not cool with that. Anyway, to get back on topic, those are the only three bars I will go to in this small city. The sad part is, I mostly go alone. I don't know why I would keep doing this to myself, over and over again, every weekend. I go alone, get sloshed, make out with the occasional straight (sometimes gay) guy, and if I'm lucky enough, we're both drunk enough to go back to my place. Because I've never had sober sex. I can't remember having it at least, and I've been told so many times that if I can't remember it, it never happened. So what am I to do?

I yearn so much to be many things, but what I want most is a decent man to sleep with every night and wake up to the next morning. I don't even sleep in my own bed. I sleep on the couch every night because I don't like sleeping alone.

So I guess that's why I decided to start chronicling (did not know that was a word) my completely boring life. Maybe if I believe people are reading about it, there's a chance I'll remember to start living it. Because I don't want to be an uninspiring human being. I want to be inspiring to other guys out there like me who just want something...more...from life. I feel I am wasting a perfectly good existence here in Bumfucked (surprisingly, NOT a word), Indiana.

So, I had made the decision to move to L.A. with some friends I met while stationed in Washington State when I was in the Navy. And in a surprising move, less than a week later, my best friend that I've known for 13 years asked me to move to New York City with him next month. I was very torn. It's so hard to make life-altering decisions. The only time I had done that before was when I randomly joined the Navy. So I had to weigh my options. Option 1, L.A. with 2 of the most badass people I had ever met. Live in constant sunshine and a sea of endless shirtless men, glistening in the sun. Or Option 2, NYC with one of the most genuine men I've ever known. Taxis everywhere. A sea of lost souls all looking to find themselves...so obviously, I chose NYC. A sea of lost souls looking to find themselves? That's me in a nutshell.

I created this blog because I'm trying to remember the person I wanted to be when I was in high school. I had so many hopes for real life, that when I realized I couldn't make them happen, I gave up on everything. Everyone. The sad thing is that I subconsciously talked myself into believing that I could never be anything substantial. I'm 26 and still haven't graduated college. I have an IQ of 164, and I have somehow not finished college. So I'm going to be applying to CUNY when I move to NYC, so that I can study film. I want to be a screenwriter and a director. Once I'm a junior at CUNY, I'm hopefully transferring to UCLA because their film program is amazing. But first, I have to get to New York. And when I do, New York will not know what hit it.